Have you ever felt like a secret agent Christian?

I felt that way most of my time in high school. I was a Christian when I was with my church friends but when I was at school I never really felt like I was making any difference. I felt like I was a secret agent Christian. I was the only one around, so I would have to sneak around enemy territory without anyone seeing me. I learned how to wear different masks that would camouflage who I was. I was like a secret agent on a secret mission. So secret in fact that not even I knew what it was.

After I went to college this all changed. Well, changed might not be the best word to describe it, because I was still a secret agent. Only this time instead of a secret agent Christian in the “world” I was a secret agent Christian in the “church”. I had a new way of understanding the world, life and God. But when I would go to church I would have to camouflage this understanding with my assorted array of masks so that I would blend in and not be seen. Out in the world I was free to take the masks off and explain my ideas as best that I could. But at church this freedom does not exist, at least not from what I perceived.

So now I continued my secret agent lifestyle but in a new view. I would justify my way of life by saying that is who I was. And it was true. I was a secret agent. I wore many masks. I was an actor playing a role. It would be a different role depending on who I was around. But the overall effect on my identity was that I became a very complex individual that was a secret agent. Always having different masks and different missions to accomplish. Most of the time I would play the role of one who just goes along with whatever, at least outwardly. I would not say anything to cause too much of a stir.

Some of you reading this will be like, “that’s not the Blair I know,” and you would be right. Because in some situations where I am comfortable enough to take off my mask you will find a Blair that almost never goes along with the majority. The fact remains however that I change the way that I act depending upon the people that I am around. To some extent this attitude might be necessary to live in our modern world and our modern church, but I have learned that this is not the most beneficial attitude for the betterment of the kingdom of God.

Being a secret agent Christian is not the best way to effect change in the church or in our world. It might be the best way to act if we do not want to cause trouble or to be placed in a vulnerable position. Because if we take off our masks, if we show everyone regardless of who they are, who we are, then we will be very vulnerable and we will cause quite the stir in our world and in our church.

But in the end I don’t think it will happen. I think that people will continue to wear masks and will continue to be secret agent Christians. In spite of this (or just maybe because of it) I am no longer going to be a secret agent. I am going to turn in my mask and show everyone who I truly am. This is the only way for me.